Sunday, May 6, 2012

3 years since becoming a mother...

My first daughter is turning 3 in a couple weeks and I am reflecting back on the amazing ride I have been on since it all started.  I remember what my life was like before she came into this world and I also remember my life the second she did.  It felt like someone picked me up by my ankles, turned me upside down and said "right, now try this out for a while."  I'd never even held a baby before Byllee, I was terrified of them.  Always scared I would break them somehow.  During my pregnancy, I figured that would all change since it would be my own baby.  It didn't.  I was scared of her when they handed her to me, and my husband had to teach me how to hold her.  During my stay in the hospital, my husband had to leave us for a few hours to go to the doctor, and the entire time he was gone I was holding my breath, praying she wouldn't wake up.  I was scared to dress her, change her diaper and most of all I was scared I would be unable to calm her down if she cried.

That fear slowly subsided over the first month as I gained confidence.  However with every new stage she entered the fear would come back.  I lacked confidence in myself that I would be able to handle the situation on my own.  I sadly spent a lot of that first year in fear, especially with the SIDS fear always hanging around in the background.

This time around with my second daughter, the fear hasn't been there.  I know what I am doing and I know I can handle it because I did before.  Sometimes it makes me sad how much time I wasted worrying instead of enjoying my first year as a mother, but its all ancient history now.  I am making up for it now anyway, and enjoying my second time around with my baby to the fullest.  The SIDs fear will always be there, but I do everything I can to reduce the risk and really just try and force it out of my mind.  Having two children that need me at the same time has been my newest challenge.  When I am on my own and trying to put one to bed and the other starts crying, I have really found myself in unfamiliar waters.  I found myself running back and forth like a mad woman to tend to each child.  Then slowly I rearranged my schedule so that Jorja was sleeping by the time I put Byllee to bed.  There are still times they need me all at once, especially in the morning.  Mornings are hard, because Jorja needs to be fed, Byllee wants a drink and breakfast and both my cats have gotten into the fight with wanting me too lol.  God forbid I need to use the bathroom or tend to my own needs, then all hell breaks loose and I have 2 crying kids and two cats meowing their heads off.  I've learn to do a sort of "kid triage system" same with house work.  If I feel like I'm living in a toilet or my house is starting to resemble a crack house as one of my friends described it, then I will start to triage that as well.  I'll figure it out, I did before and at least I now have confidence in myself this time.

Byllee has turned into such a well adjusted, smart, funny little girl, so I am clearly doing a good job.  I am so happy with my life as a mother, I feel as though this is what I was born to do.  I was a mother in my own way before they came, to my cats and its just grown from there.  Attitude is really the key to happiness.  Attitude of gratitude is probably the healthiest state of mind, and filling your life with love, whatever that may look like for others.  I look forward to all the surprises and challenges that lay ahead for me, because I know as long as I hold on to this attitude, I will turn out just fine and so will my kids.

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