Sunday, October 18, 2009

The White Crayon

The title for this blog and my signature is a simple term that I have used to describe how I've felt most of my life until now. Its the crayon in the box that is the least selected. It has a purpose, its always there, its just as usefull as the others but almost always ignored.

They day I became pregnant I knew my life was changing forever. Never again was the world going to look quite the same and never again were my needs or wants going to come first. It signaled to me a time to start dealing with some issues that purhaps I have avoided my whole adult life. How can I bring an innocent life into this world, if I havent dealt with some of my baggage from the past?. Pregnancy for me was the time to get out the ugly shovel and start piling up the shit right in front of my face. No longer can I hide from it. No longer can I pretend it doesnt exsist. The time to start new was NOW.

I can assure you, mixed with the hormonal rollarcoaster that pregnancy brings and dreadging up old crap from the past was no picnic for me or my husband; Or anyone anywhere near me for the next 9 months. This was a time to make amends, talk about things, reflect on behaviour and finally move on. I wanted to wrap it all up, put a pretty little bow on it and store it away just in time for the birth of my baby.

Like all things in life, it didnt exactly work out that way. While I did most of my healing and moved on, sadly some of the people involved never did. For anyone who has ever gone through a truely life changing and self reflection expierence, you quickly realise most people around you arent nearly as eager to admit fault or change destructive negative behaviour. I had to realise, I can only control myself, and I can only change myself. If others in my life wanted to continue down the path I clearly have choosen to avoid, then they will have to go on with out me.

This has been the single hardest thing to do, but it must be done if you want to truely change your path. Dont let others try and steer you off course, stick to your goal and set the rules. Some people stay and some people go, that is their choice not yours.

My whole life I have always been super sensitive to others' feelings, admitting when I have done wrong, viewed the situation from different points of views and carried an incredible amount of guilt for a whole lot of issues that I am not responsible for. Its been termediously exhausting and was taking up way to much of ME and holding ME back. Once I realised that this is clearly been the single most destructive quality I have, I had the power to stop it. Its amazing how those around you that are use to using you as the one to kick, aren't nearly as excited about this "new you". Its so much nicier when you can stub your toe, turn around and kick someone else, blame all your problems on them for all that goes wrong in your life. This is the role I have been use to playing and I am no longer playing that game! Its time for them to start taking responsibilty for themselves and their own actions. Sadly this leaves me without them in my life going forward; however I'm OK with that. My life is no longer about them anymore, its about starting something new and healthy and completely different then I have ever lived before. A life truely happy and with peace....

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