Mothers Come in All Forms and Species!

I thought I would write a blog about mothers, in recognition of Mother's Day coming up.  I recently purchased a book that I have given to my mom early for Mothers Day.  Its called "Mothers Love - Inspiring True Stories from the Animal Kingdom"  an absolutely beautiful book filled with true stories of great mothers in the wild.  This got me thinking, what is the definition of a mother?  Is a duck that adopts an abandoned squirrel as her own any less of a mother then the one that gave birth?  Absolutely not!  In fact, I think it qualifies her more of a mother.  I think its easy to conclude that giving birth does not define being a mother.  I would like to share one particular story from the book that really touched me deeply:

 A marine mammal specialist came upon a baby dolphin who had become entangled in a nylon fishing net.  He watched with horror as the dolphins mother and two other females stopped at nothing to save him.  They tried everything they could to push that baby out - at risk of tangling up their own fins!  The marine specialist dove into the water himself to cut the net.  The mother then guided her weakened, gasping calf up to the waters surface and supported him so he could breath.  Exhausted by the ordeal, she, too struggled to float, and the other females supported both mother and child, helping them regain their strength.  For the next few hours, all three adults took turns keeping the baby afloat until finally, the entire extended family swam away (Bellows 64).

This story reminds me of my own mother and father.  During struggles in my life, they are there to help me breath, taking turns until I am back on my feet again.  Is there anything else in life to be more grateful for?  I have had others, in different times of my life, step in and do the same thing for me and my family and I will never forget the unselfish acts they extended me.

Mothers come is all forms and all should be celebrated equally.  Maybe its a mother of 4 dogs, or one who has adopted a baby and given that child a chance they may not have had otherwise.  Or a stay at home mom, who has five kids and barely keeping her head above the water most of the time.  One thing is always the same: the unconditional, all encompassing love we feel for our children.  I would like to think of myself as one of those female dolphins and if I were to see another mother and child in need, I too would stop and help them breath.  Mothers of all kinds should think of ourselves as a force, one that cannot be challenged and an army of love that will come to defend our children at all cost.

This mothers day, don't just celebrate your own mother, but yourself and ALL mothers, whatever kind they maybe, because we are the keystone of society that is raising the next generation.  That is no small feat and even the strongest ones need help breathing every now and then.

Favourite quotes:

"Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws" Barbara Kingsolver

"A Mothers love for her child is like nothing else in the world.  It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path" Agatha Christie

"A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary" Dorothy Fisher

"A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child" Sophia Loren

Source

Bellows, Melina Gerosa.  Mothers Love - Inspiring True Stories from the Animal Kingdom. Washington, D.C. National Geographic Society. 2012

Link to book mentioned: http://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Love-Inspiring-Stories-Kingdom/dp/1426209223/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1336140275&sr=8-1

Serenity NOW!

     I wake up this morning early before the kids are awake and decide to make some fresh coffee and enjoy a little alone time before the chaos begins.  I love sitting on our screened in porch in the morning watching the sun rise, listen to the birds singing, trees swaying in the breeze and the beautiful smell of cedar and forest.  Except this morning as I sit down, take a deep breath and take it all in, I am struck by a horrible smell.   "What smells like Sh&t????"  I turn around and sure enough there's a big pile of turds in the corner.  Twinkle our cat, for some unknown reason, has decided to take a gigantic dump on our porch.  My special ME time has now been replaced by cleaning up poop!  Then cruelly followed by having to unclog our toilet from trying to flush it all down.  I swear that cat sh&ts as much as a toddler!! 

    

       How do some mothers make it look so easy?  You know, the one's you encounter at the park or Early Years Center, who have 4 kids, one in a sling breastfeeding, another on her hip and two in tow, wearing designer clothes and makeup all while making it look effortless?  What about the ones on my facebook account?  Every picture of their child has perfect hair, no stains on his or her shirt or food on their face?  I'll find myself sitting down for a moment to look at friends pictures, then looking over at the mirror and my hair is a mess, no makeup, puke on my over sized t-shirt from high school while my toddler runs around with peanut butter on her face.  I admit it, it's not easy, my husband is away 3 or 4 days a week for work and I am mostly on my own and I do struggle a lot some days.  I even post pictures of my daughter with a face full of peanut butter.  How else am I going to capture those beautiful moments that seem to happen when you least expect it?

     However, I do try not to judge others, and I hope not too many judge me.  Maybe that perfect mom from the park goes home everyday and drinks a bottle of wine, or yells at her kids whenever they aren't in public.  I'm the type of person who puts myself out there as real as I am sometimes, but even I fall victim to putting on makeup to go for a hike, knowing we will be posting the pictures.  I want to share my life with my family overseas and those that don't get to visit often because I am proud of my family.  Maybe some even look at my pictures and think I have my act together all the time.  If it wasn't for me verbally throwing up my feelings through my blogs, how else would anyone know?

    This blog seems to be all over the place today (not unlike my daily life) so I think I will stop there.   Stop yourself next time you feel like judging someone and think hard.  You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors and you yourself aren't perfect, no one is.  All us mothers out there are in this together, we should offer our support to one another not just our sometimes cruel opinion or judgement. 

The Most Natural Act...Yeah Right!

The first time I was introduced to breastfeeding was in my prenatal class prior to the birth of our first daughter Byllee. They showed us a video in the class, of a beautiful new born baby lying on her mothers chest, slowly descending down and instinctually latching on to her nipple. How beautiful, I thought and how natural is that? This should be a piece of cake I thought. I even prepared myself further, getting library books out on the topic, checking out Jack Newman's website and videos and also going to a few La Leache League meetings. I was confident I was ready for this responsibility.

With the image of the baby naturally latching on to her mother still in my head, I attempted my first time, minutes after birth and this is not what I experienced at all. God bless the mothers that do experience this, however from my experience and speaking to other mothers in the groups I've attended, the majority have a complete opposite experience in fact. The video they should have shown in my prenatal class was me with my second daughter screaming her head off as I forcefully tried to shove my boob into her mouth, all while crying myself...over and over and over again. This was reality! You would think after breastfeeding my first daughter for 11 months I should be some sort of an expert at it. Every baby is different and my second daughter was not nearly as "easy" to teach as my first. I found neither experience easy or natural in fact.

The first few days after my first daughter is really a complete blur, so I will talk about my second daughter, which was only 3 months ago and counting. I believe prenatal classes should have a complete segment on the first 48 hours after birth and breastfeeding (or however long it takes for your milk to come in). This has to be the most challenging time of all. Thankfully my second daughter, Jorja slept most of the first 24 hours. However once she "woke up" from birth, boy was she hungry and I felt I had nothing to offer her. The nurse that was coming off her shift that evening kept trying to offer me formula to fix the situation. If there is ever a wrong time to give formula, my guess would be this time. Unless there's a medical reason, the so called "nothing" you have to offer is probably the most important thing you could give the baby. Colostrum is full of antibodies, and nutrients that the baby needs at this critical time in his or her life. With this in mind, I politely declined her offer, however she left it on my bedside table and I just stared at it while my baby screamed for more. Once the my regular night nurse came on duty and it was 2am, I was at the end of my rope. I'll never forget how she came in after I rang the bell yet again for help with latching, and told me all the mothers she sees as patients look like me on night two. It's a necessary evil to endure, and she encouraged me not to give up. Simply pointing out that fact to me was enough to give me the strength to keep on going. Why didn't they mention this in birthing class I thought?

An unlikely form of support I found during the first few days and weeks breastfeeding was my husband. I suppose from watching me go through this with our first daughter and listening to all the advice with a more clear head then me, made him some kind of expert himself! The first time I noticed, was during a particularly hard time trying to trouble shoot with the nurse, why my daughter would not latch on to my "other side". My husband, Scott suddenly spoke up and said "why don't you try the football hold, that way her head is in the same position and it kind of tricks her into thinking its the same side". The nurse and I just stared at him in amazement...What a great idea! It worked wonderfully, and soon our on going joke was he should have become a lactation consultant. Finding humour in a time like this felt wonderful, so we kept going with the jokes and decided to play a joke on the new daytime nurse that never met us before. She walked into our room and asked if the lactation consultant had come in to see us. I replied "Oh, you mean the nice man that was just here?" Her face dropped and a look of horror came over her, we burst into laughter for quite a while over that one. I still chuckle when I think of a male lactation consultant. Unless your name is "Jack Newman", I don't think males would be too popular in the birthing unit at the hospital. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think I would feel strange having a male man handle my boobs like the female nurses do when they are trying to help you.

Anyway, I am 3 months into round two with my second daughter Jorja and we are still having the odd issue believe it or not. I pump my milk a lot more then I did the first time thanks to a close friend who gave me her high end breast pump! It makes all the difference, compared to using "El cheapo" version the first time, when I finally said "to hell with this". I have no problem introducing formula at this stage, however with my over supply in the freezer, I haven't found the need yet. Last time, I felt like I had something to prove as a mother and demanded myself to exclusively breastfeed her for 6 months without formula. Looking back it seems so silly, but there really is a pressure to prove yourself when you are a first time mom. It doesn't help when its 3am and you have a screaming baby you are trying to latch, enduring intense pain and the "Good Start" baby formula commercial comes on T.V. You know the one that says "Happy babies makes happy moms"? The commercial shows babies giggling and laughing. That can really play on your mind when you are sleep deprived and you have a screaming baby. I know it did for me.

I suppose my message and point of this blog is only to encourage mothers what they are going through at the beginning is normal. Its suppose to be hell, and it's usually hell for all of us. Remember, colostrum is not something you can find in a bottle so if you can only hold out for 2 days and give that to your baby, you've done your job. Even if you can't, that doesn't make you any less of a mother, there are a thousand different scenario's and medical conditions that prevent mothers from breastfeeding. The point is, there's a thousand and one different right ways to do the same job and its up to you to find the one that works for you!

So what's your plan?

One simple answer from me when I am asked this is: survival! That’s my “plan”. I am on my second baby this time and things for me have been a lot different than the first time around. I’ve read all the books: What to Expect the first year, Baby whisperer and listened to every single piece of advice from other mothers I can get. One piece of information I was told the first time around, which was very important, didn’t seem to register until my second child. For me, it’s been my guide for how I have made my game plan this time, if you could call it that. I was told, when the baby comes everything in your life changes. Now, when I heard this the first time, I thought, “yeah I know that...and??” Then the baby came, which I had been preparing for, for 9 months so no shocker there, however as soon as that first cry was made, NOTHING in my life was the same. Every aspect of my life and the way I viewed it was different in a matter of seconds. Wow, that’s a lot to handle in one day!

Not only is the new reality of your life hitting you in one moment, you get to enjoy it while you go through the monumental hormone crash of your life the first 10 days after birth. How lovely! I remember sitting in the hospital bed looking at my beautiful baby girl, who was a stranger to me really, and realizing the awesome responsibility I suddenly had. Trying to survive the first few weeks on sleep deprivation while learning to breast feed with your baby and enduring tremendous pain that goes along with it, makes any new mom what to curl into a ball and cry (thanks hormones for the extra kick in the ass when I needed it least). What happened to my wonderful relationship I was enjoying with my husband during pregnancy? Nothing pops the “babymoon balloon” phase quicker, then fighting over who is doing more or who changed the last diaper. Books and birthing classes don’t really warn you about this challenge that most couples encounter, and sadly some split up after the first year of having a baby.

So again, I think to myself, so what’s my plan? This time around I have found it to be a lot easier then the first. Here are some things I am doing differently:

• Taking much better care of myself! Feeding and drinking water as much as possible to keep my energy going.

• Buy a Miracle Blanket and swadle my baby at night http://www.amazon.com/gp/search/ref=as_li_qf_sp_sr_il_tl?ie=UTF8&keywords=miracle%20blanket&tag=eveididtexpwh-

• Purchase a quality brest pump http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004HWXCJS/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=eveididtexpwh-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=B004HWXCJS

• Purchase an Angel Care monitor to ease your mind about SIDS and help you sleep through the night http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002ZB8298/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=eveididtexpwh-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=B002ZB8298 
•  Getting all the support I can from family to get a break here and there to sleep during the day as I now have a toddler so this wouldn’t be possible otherwise.

• Forget my old life, wipe the slate completely clean and make it up as I go. For now, my life is about feeding and caring for my children and of course myself. It isn’t very exciting, but it’s all I can manage without overdoing it and I know in time, it will get better. 
•  Taking shifts with my spouse. Instead of trying to do everything together, we take turns and let the other spouse sleep. I don’t get to see him and spend as much time together, however because of this change we aren’t both tired at the same time, which means no fighting and are more useful to each other then last time around. This has made us one happy couple 

We are almost at our 6 week milestone and I am so proud of how well we have done. It hasn’t been easier then the first time, but it is going smoother and we are all happier. I’ve had some dark days at the beginning (sleep deprivation is true torture, no matter who you are), but I keep telling myself on those days....”I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.....and it will get better because I have done this before and actually know it’s true.

I will leave my blog at that for today and re-evaluate my survival plan for the next 3 months in another blog as I will have a whole new set of challenges and stages to navigate....but it’s OK, because I CAN DO THIS!

Happiness....the search continues or has it been there all along?

In my quest to understand and appreciate my new role and life, I have come across a common human mistake. Happiness is a quest that will never be achieved by certain people. We take for granted what has been given to us and we come to expect it. The more you have, the more you want.

Wonderful events happen to people everyday, unfortunately once the novelty wears off we are looking for something more. What happened to the gift we were just given? The worst mistake someone can make in my opinion, is to forget what we have. Perhaps some don't realise how bad it can get or how it can all be taken away in the blink of an eye. We assume it will always be there or never fully appreciate what we have been given. Why do some people have to learn the hard way, that your world can come crashing down around you without warning? I'm not suggesting you live in fear, or become a pessimist, but perhaps be grateful everyday for what you have today and never forget how precious it is., for tomorrow may never come or it may not be around forever.

Family is the most important thing in my life. I feel very confident that I have my priorities in the right order. I make sure that everyday i take time to be grateful for what I have. I promise to myself to never "get use to" this new reality as something i come to expect. Everyday is a gift in this new life and I will never forget that. Sadly some people will never appreciate it to its full extent, until the scale tips terribly in the wrong direction....

Monkey See, Monkey Do

The age old question...Nature vs. Nurture. Every day I am reminded of my awesome responsibility of taking care of this new life. I have the power to shape this person into the best she can be. Everything I do, every decision I make and all the things I expose her too have an incredible influence. What if I make a mistake? Have a ruined her for life? How much does nurture really impact my daughter and when does nature take over?

These simple scenarios had me questioning everything I was doing at first. As soon as I became a mom, I suddenly noticed that I had beliefs about how my daughter should be raised. I had strong opinions! Where did that come from? My childhood? Am I raising my daughter the way my parents raised me? If so, who says they did it right! I think when we start out, sometimes we find ourselves doing what our parents did to us. I know I have caught myself singing some of the same songs that were sung to me.

When i was 20 weeks pregnant the ultrasound technician told us we were having a boy! I already had the whole nursery decorated with huge princesses on the wall and everything pink. I was stuck thinking, if i leave the princess on the wall for my son, does that mean it will damage him? Why can’t we encourage boys to play with dolls or allow them to like the color pink? What would happen if we do? In the end i decided to leave the princesses on the wall and just throw in a lot of blue blankets. Of course as life would have it, we were blessed with a little girl after all. I had all boy clothes for my baby and now the tables were reversed! This got me thinking. What impact do we have as parents on our children when we buy trucks and cars for boys and dolls for girls. Would our society be different if we didn’t? Do our children grow up thinking these stereotypes because of us? I constantly hear parents say “boys will be boys” when their son acts aggressive and telling their daughter to “be nice” when she does the same thing. What type of impact does that have? Perhaps next time we catch ourselves making one of these decisions, we should ponder why or better yet, why not?

The White Crayon

The title for this blog and my signature is a simple term that I have used to describe how I've felt most of my life until now. Its the crayon in the box that is the least selected. It has a purpose, its always there, its just as usefull as the others but almost always ignored.

They day I became pregnant I knew my life was changing forever. Never again was the world going to look quite the same and never again were my needs or wants going to come first. It signaled to me a time to start dealing with some issues that purhaps I have avoided my whole adult life. How can I bring an innocent life into this world, if I havent dealt with some of my baggage from the past?. Pregnancy for me was the time to get out the ugly shovel and start piling up the shit right in front of my face. No longer can I hide from it. No longer can I pretend it doesnt exsist. The time to start new was NOW.

I can assure you, mixed with the hormonal rollarcoaster that pregnancy brings and dreadging up old crap from the past was no picnic for me or my husband; Or anyone anywhere near me for the next 9 months. This was a time to make amends, talk about things, reflect on behaviour and finally move on. I wanted to wrap it all up, put a pretty little bow on it and store it away just in time for the birth of my baby.

Like all things in life, it didnt exactly work out that way. While I did most of my healing and moved on, sadly some of the people involved never did. For anyone who has ever gone through a truely life changing and self reflection expierence, you quickly realise most people around you arent nearly as eager to admit fault or change destructive negative behaviour. I had to realise, I can only control myself, and I can only change myself. If others in my life wanted to continue down the path I clearly have choosen to avoid, then they will have to go on with out me.

This has been the single hardest thing to do, but it must be done if you want to truely change your path. Dont let others try and steer you off course, stick to your goal and set the rules. Some people stay and some people go, that is their choice not yours.

My whole life I have always been super sensitive to others' feelings, admitting when I have done wrong, viewed the situation from different points of views and carried an incredible amount of guilt for a whole lot of issues that I am not responsible for. Its been termediously exhausting and was taking up way to much of ME and holding ME back. Once I realised that this is clearly been the single most destructive quality I have, I had the power to stop it. Its amazing how those around you that are use to using you as the one to kick, aren't nearly as excited about this "new you". Its so much nicier when you can stub your toe, turn around and kick someone else, blame all your problems on them for all that goes wrong in your life. This is the role I have been use to playing and I am no longer playing that game! Its time for them to start taking responsibilty for themselves and their own actions. Sadly this leaves me without them in my life going forward; however I'm OK with that. My life is no longer about them anymore, its about starting something new and healthy and completely different then I have ever lived before. A life truely happy and with peace....