Fathers play such an important role!

I'm entering the teething stage now with my almost 5 month old daughter and I can't believe how hard it is dealing with this alone.  It reminds me back to the early weeks with my daughter and the constant crying and waking during the night and day.  Thankfully, back then my husband was off work and I had him to lean on.  Now that he's away for work, I am realising just what an important role he played during those hard times (and of course every minute he is home).  During the early "sleep deprivation insanity" stage of my daughters life, I leaned on my husband so much to hold us all together.  I remember feeling like I was being subjected to the Chinease water torture, where every time I would set my baby in her bassinet and I would begin to drift off to sleep, she would start crying again, just like another cold drop of water on my forehead.  The only time she would sleep was when my husband or I were holding her.  So my husband volunteered to hold her while he played video games during the night.  It was awesome, when I could hear him playing his game, I knew it was safe for me to allow myself to go into a deep sleep.  It was my safe time.  He did this all night sometimes for me, only waking me for feedings.  Come morning, I would take over and allow him to sleep.

I know the sleep deprivation was just as hard on him as it was on me, but my husband Scott was able to fake it so much better then me.  He would talk in a calm voice and assure me everything was OK and she was just doing her "baby thing".  I am not nearly as talented as him at faking my emotions.  I appreciated his fake good mood so much, it kept me sane and gave me the strength to hold myself together.  He knew just how to act and behave to keep everything running smooth and I think he deserved father and husband of the year award for his actions!!!  He was always able to get me to laugh, when I wanted to cry or bite someones head off during my lack of sleep mood.  One of his VERY important roles at the beginning was helping me breastfeed.  Most dads feel left out during this process but I needed his help with latching desperately every time.  The nurse at the hospital told me to compress my boob as soon as my baby latched on so she would get lots of milk and it would encourage her to latch on properly and stay that way.  Since it took both of my hands to hold the baby and myself properly, I needed him to do the compressions.  You should have seen Scott's big silly grin knowing his new job was squeezing my boob....LOL  Enough to make me laugh when I really didn't feel like laughing at all!!

Now that I am going through another difficult stage, this time without my valuable partner, I am reminded just how important dads are.  He writes me funny emails to keep my spirits up when he is on the road and one in particular, I feel has a special message at the end, so with his permission, I am adding it to the end of this blog.  I hope it makes you laugh as it did me, and I hope my blog makes you go hug your hubby and tell him just what an important role he has in all this.

The following "blog" is about my husband's trip on an Air Canada flight as a passenger, where he was being flown to Newark to position for his week of flying.
The following is written by Scott, my husband: 

I get on board the airplane, it's nearly a full flight. I have one of the few, if perhaps the only empty, seat beside me. Up a few rows is a couple with twin girls screaming their heads off. The APU was broken, and the ground air conditioner was unserviceable as well. The airplane was well over 100 degrees inside (that's 4096 degrees in the "wendy" scale). The crew opens the door at either end of the airplane to get some airflow. I guess hot blowing air is better than hot air that is not blowing. Then, they decide to get the lav. serviced! So now not only it is stinking hot, it's now hot and stinking! I'm so glad though, because I have a row to myself. The twins upfront are still screaming. Wendy, your fallopian tubes would have been sucking up against your spine!
Finally, the nice A/C flight attendant comes up to the couple and says to the Mom, if the girls would be happier separated, there's an empty row near the back, mine. The distraught mom, god bless her, takes the F/A's advice, and parks herself next to me with one of the screaming two. My earplugs were in the overhead bin, and I was too nice to ask her to get up.

Then, "Captain Scott", turns back into a dad. I helped the little girl, play with the safety card and the barf bag, and she couldn't have been happier. I put the Wiggles on the TV for her too. The mom was so grateful. The little angel fell asleep right after take-off, and slept throughout the short flight.
 
So, sometimes when I'm away not being a Dad, I still end up being a Dad.
 
God I love him, bless him for helping that mom in need.  That's an example right there of a good man!

"I'm Just a Stay at Home Mom"....Losing Your Identity

How many times have I heard myself or someone else say this, almost in a apologetic, embarrassed manner?  I think the reason why SAHM (Stay At Home Moms) feel this way, is that we have seemed to have lost ourselves in the chaotic mess of parenting.  I use to be a cave diver and work in aviation before I became a mother.  Now, I'm "just a mom."  I postulate, this also probably affects working moms as well, however at least they still have their jobs to divide their life up and identity.  Being a parent is all about someone else.  It's all about raising that child and taking care of him or her, making the child (or children) happy, supporting the bread winner of the family, running the household, but what about "mom" (or quite possibly dad)?

As mothers both working and non, we are also lucky to receive almost all the blame and not nearly enough of the much deserved glory for a successful family.  When you give up your job to raise your children, the focus starts to become about the other parent and supporting their needs as well.  I feel so lucky to have had the option to stay at home.  My husband will get last minute calls to do a flight (he's a pilot), that take him away for a week at a time and I handle everything here at home on my own.  Making sure the kids are taken care of, appointments made, the house is maintained, the bills paid, the groceries bought and laundry done, birthday presents and Christmas presents bought and wrapped.  I also plan the birthday parties and celebrations for all the kids.  My husband will come home and all he needs to do is lie down and sleep after work, but usually he doesn't.  When my husband is home, he helps me get that much needed break and usually takes over, unfortunately it only happens for 2 or 3 days and he's gone again.  I really am fortunate to have such a supporting husband, because without him, I too would be lost.  Not all mothers have the support that I do.

I  remember a mother in my "moms group" from a few years ago, who's husband travelled constantly for his job, and the packing up and moving was left all to the wife to take care of.  Not only was she raising the kids mostly alone, but also selling, buying, packing and unpacking all by herself.  All her husband had to do was come home to the new house and dinner was ready and waiting on the table for him.  Do you think he fully appreciated what she did?  Did her friends and family fully realise too?  I only spoke with her a few times, so I don't know the conclusion of her story, but I think back to her often.  I'm sure there are more mothers out there then her that have similar stories to tell.  When promotions are achieved at work, all the congratulations and "good job, lets go out and celebrate" are directed to the husband.  What about the other person who in situations similar, did a lot of the real hard work to make the promotion happen as well?  What would our husbands do without our support?  Probably fall flat on their face and then direct all the praise at us when they fully realise what we actually do when they are away (LOL).  In my case my husband does know the hard work I put into our family, so we work well as a team, but like I mentioned before, not everyone is as lucky as me and my heart goes out to them.

This blog isn't suppose to come across as a man bashing session.  I fully appreciate what my husbands does for our family and I tell him this almost daily (yes daily).  Things have not always been this way in our family, and they certainly won't stay this way, but with my husbands recent promotion and schedule, it is the way it is now.  I just want to make people think about the other person in the equation too, who is almost always forgotten.  I think it's important for all mothers either working or not, to continue to do something in your life that is just for yourself.  Something you have, that gives you pride and defines you in a separate way, other then being a mother.  For myself, since the kids are so young, I have my writing and hiking.  When the kids get a little older, I would like to take up scuba diving again, although I don't think you'll catch me in a cave again...What was I thinking??? (yes that is me in those pictures).  I eventually will go back to work, our kids will grow up and my identity restored, but for now this is how I celebrate myself for being ME not "just a mom".

Breastfeeding your preschooler and beyond...Time Magazine

If you haven't seen the new Time Magazine issue this month, please pick up a copy for the full story.

This isn't a new subject, and its been around for hundreds of years, however, it's the first time I have seen such a huge statement made in the media about it.  I've read some of the heated discussions on this topic in response to the magazine article.  I don't believe it would have created such a emotional response had they not published photos of mothers breastfeeding their preschoolers, especially on the front page.  It seems more shocking now that you have seen the act itself.

Once the emotional, knee jerk reaction of "ewww" was out of the way, and I've had some time to collect my thoughts about this, I thought I would share what my opinion was on this subject.  Lets first get the obvious issue out of the way, what these mothers are doing is not harming the health of these children, if anything it's a benefit to their health.  I have also read some responses from men and while, I do empathize with them having an opinion, they have no authority to really talk about this issue (unless its was their kid).  The reason I say this, is because you have to have breastfed and experienced the relationship that occurs personally to really know whats going on here.  Before I was a mother, I would have had no ability to empathize properly or have an educated response.

When I found out I was expecting again, and starting thinking about breastfeeding all over, I felt happy.  I also started thinking about how I wished I could give my "liquid gold" to my toddler again and protect her from all the illness that she was constantly exposed too.  We went through two winters with her constantly sick.  All mothers know what I mean, its almost impossible to avoid it.  It doesn't matter where you take them, how many times they wash their hands, they are exposed to all the germs and have to endure the sickness, sometimes lasting months!  When I was breastfeeding my first daughter, she was never sick.  The only reason I stopped was because she decided at 11 months she had enough with "moms boobs."  I was never faced with the conundrum of having to wean her because I felt it had gone on long enough.  I cursed breastfeeding the first time around weekly, threatening to quit almost daily.  Once she stopped, I was shocked at how devastated I felt!!  Finally, I was free, yet I missed so desperately the relationship we had that only a mother and child can have, breastfeeding.  I joked to my husband that I would allow our next child to breastfeed until they were 3, if need be.  Now that I have a 3 year old, I can see how uncomfortable I would be with that arrangement.

Once my second daughter was born, I started breastfeeding once again, except everything looked different this time.  I wasn't going to take this time for granted, or waste it, by hating it.  My second daughter Jorja, gets the odd bottle fed to her by my husband, and usually she doesn't finish it.  If he goes back on the road for another week, I know the milk that was defrosted, that I pumped, will go to waste.  So I decided, instead of pouring my hard earned milk down the drain, I would mix it with my 3 year olds milk and put it in her sippy cup and see what happened.  One part breast milk three parts cows milk.  She didn't notice a thing, yet I felt extra special seeing her drink it.  My three year old has not gotten sick ONCE since I started doing this.  I've only done it a few times so maybe it is a coincidence, but she has been exposed to more germs this winter then the others combined.

Only my husband and mother know that story, but I share it now with you to make my point.  Unless you have been there and done that, you really have no idea what you are talking about.  I would love to see you show me a doctor that will tell you what these mothers are doing is wrong.  That said, I cannot imagine that the little boy on the cover of Time, sucking his moms boob, will not come back and haunt him when he's 15 and in high school.  I get it, you are proud of what you are doing.  However, I take offense, that the article is implying that a mom who chooses not to breastfeed this long (or is unable) is any less of a mother!! To the children pictured in the article and the mothers who exposed their child to future criticism that is out of his or her control, doesn't make them any kind of mom, that I would stride to be.  A breastfeeding relationship is so beautiful, but its a relationship just like anything and it goes both ways.  If you feel its time to stop for YOU, for whatever reason then you should not feel any guilt over that.  We can't change how others react to our decisions, so somethings are better off kept a secret, done in secret.

Domestic Engineering Manual for Mommies

This blog may sound more crude then my usual tone due to having had a rough week.  With that said, I would really like to see a simple book out there for moms that encompasses all the topics and skills you need, to run a house and raise kids.  While, I know there isn't a simple method for raising kids, I think you could sum up the first three months of a babies life with some proven methods that work for the majority of babies out there.

Becoming a mom of four kids in as many years and running a house was a drastic change for me.  I have a house to take care of and run, a garden and yard now in my possession, budgets and several bank accounts and cooking for 5 (soon 6) instead of 1.  I think someone should publish a book that has a separate chapter for each topic and have it easy to tab, so you can access the info you need in a flash.  Even some rip out reference charts, you could tape over the change table, to trouble shoot why your baby may be screaming at 3am and some proven methods that work to soothe them.  My brain doesn't work wonderful at that hour and I am certain I am not alone, maybe I forgot something!?.

I have never taken care of a garden in my life and 13 years in a row, I kill my hanging plants each summer, longest lasting mid July.  I got a bunch of books on gardening and was completely overwhelmed by the whole topic.  Acidic dirt, types of plants, foods, fungus, parasites and the list goes on.  I am for once in my life not wanting to know the hows and whys something may work, I just want to know it does.  Who cares WHY it turns into a lump of brown shit by the end of the season, I just want to know how to prevent it.  Tell me the easiest flowers to plant and survive in sun and shade, then shut up!  I want a book that can make you look like Martha Stewart, even if you are Courtney Love.  I don't have time to read the background on every damn flower and fern, or what kind of pesticide, fungicide or spermicide or whatever it is you spray on your plants.  I want to know how to get a garden that looks like my pot smoking neighbour's does, who lives a few doors down.  If someone told me, pissing on my plants made them grow, I would do it.  I could care less, why it works at this point.

A whole section on how to trick your kids into eating healthy food would be helpful too.  I have a toddler who would be happy to eat cheesies and peanut butter for every meal.  How do I make her think shes eating cheesies and peanut butter, but its really carrots and tofu.  I have tried so many recipes and she hates them all.  So she eats fruit for supper if she refuses to eat what we are eating.  Its stressful, so if anyone had some tips, that would be great.  As moms we have been doing this for a million years, why is everyone keeping all the good advice a secret?  Why do I have to buy several books or go to different websites and baby groups for each subject?  One book is all I want.  Maybe what I am asking is too much.  I would write it if I could, but I don't have all the answers.  I don't even have some of the answers, but I can tell you one thing, when I find something that works, I tell everyone I know.  Why should others have to reinvent the wheel 6 thousand 4 hundred and 36 damn times? (random number)

I am a busy mom on mat leave and moms who are working have even less time to fuss around with this shit!  We simply don't have time for all the reading and research that's involved.  I wouldn't even want it written like a book, point form only. Keep it Simple Stupid.  Even writing this blog is taking up too much of my free time.  Maybe after falling on my face a thousand times, I will in fact write the book and put an end to this madness for all the future moms after me.  Would you buy it?

Sleep Training advice from a Sleep Doula

My first daughter didn't have too many issues with learning to sleep through the night.  We were blessed with her being able to go through the night at 6 weeks.  When she reached 4 months we had a few bumps in the road and by 6 months tried the CIO method for a week (ish) which worked.  I was terrified that I would damage her in some way, however with my doctors approval, I went ahead.  She had some sleep associations that I needed to break her of, in order for her to sleep on her own (feeding to sleep).

Round two with my second daughter has not been as smooth.  I had an opportunity to see a Sleep Doula this week that was provided for free through the Early Years Center.  Apparently, my timing was perfect as she suggested 4 months was the perfect age to start.  She pointed out any training you did before age 4 months, is great, however you may find yourself having to start over.  At 4 months there is a huge developmental stage they go through and babies like to change it up completely at this time (that explains what happened with my first daughter).  I didn't bring a pen or paper to the session, so as soon as I got home I wrote everything I could remember down.  I thought today's blog would be more informative and a cheat sheet for myself and anyone else who reads my blogs (I'm sure its only my parents lol...Hi mom).  Her method isn't quite "cry it out," however she said there will be some crying involved.  I prefer this method as I found CIO was really hard on ME emotionally and would like to avoid it if I can this time.

The easiest time to sleep train your baby is before the age of 9 months, it gets harder by 12 months and almost impossible by 18 months.  The key to having a baby sleep through the night is to make sure the baby is getting enough rest throughout the day and calories.  Keeping a keen eye out for the earliest warning signs that your baby is ready for a nap is also important.  If you wait until your baby is displaying signs of being over tired, such as rubbing eyes, yawning, or pulling at their ears etc.. the body is already excreting a hormone called cortisol.  Once this happens there is a more likely chance for sleep disruption during the night.  Same thing happens to adults when we excrete cortisol, we are also more likely to wake during the night and have a disruptive sleep.

My daughter is in a category, what she termed as an "alert baby".  The best method for a baby like Jorja (who is easily awakened,) is to put her in a room that is dark, have a sound machine on for white noise and no stimulation (no toys in the crib).  This also includes the baby NOT being able to see you.  The baby is more likely to sooth him or herself if he or she cannot see the parent.  If you want to be in the room while the baby is adjusting to the training, its best to lie on the floor or somewhere out of her range of sight.  I have already noticed this many times, if I just leave the room she will stop fussing.

Jorja still is feeding through the night.  Doctors will say by 6 months, a baby should be able to go 12 hours without feeding.  No one is going to tell you however, not to feed your baby, and she certainly did not recommend this either.  Instead try "dream feeds".  This involves taking the sleeping baby out of the crib, feeding and putting them back in the crib.  If you put your baby down at 7pm for bedtime and know they will need a feed during the night, try a dream feed before you are ready to go to bed (maybe 11pm for example).  I haven't tried this yet, as I can't seem to get the nerve up to disturb her while she is sleeping (lol). So instead she wakes me up at 2 and also sometimes 4 :(  I will try this new dream feed approach tonight.

Sleep associations are a big thing that need to eliminated if you can.  Jorja, for example uses the soother, so she recommends that at age 4 months, try to go "cold turkey".  The baby will quickly forget about ever having the soother at this age, compared to trying to do this at age 12 months.  The sooner the better.  If the baby is old enough to handle the soother on his or her own, then hand the soother to the baby, and allow them to put it in their mouth if they are old enough and you wish to continue using it.  Don't put the soother in her mouth yourself, let the baby do it (teaching them how to self sooth).  She recommend a bunch of products that I listed below, for adjusting your baby out of the swaddle habit; such as the Magic sleep suit.  Swaddling is great for newborns, but not safe once the baby is old enough to roll themselves onto their tummy.  Byllee use to feed to sleep, so she recommended for mothers with this association to keep the baby awake until you put them in the crib.  It's OK if they are drowsy, as long as they aren't asleep.  Taking away the sleep association is where you will experience the crying.  She said any crying longer then 45 minutes wasn't something she was comfortable with, however there isn't a set rule with this.  She suggests staying in the room so the baby can see you, but don't pick them up.  If you have an alert baby and this just makes the situation worse, lie on the floor as mentioned and every 15 minutes to let the baby know you are still there and haven't abandoned them (let them see you, rub tummy and lie back down).  She says with young babies, if you are consistent you should have success by night 3, or night 5 for older babies.  They key is being consistent.  If your baby cries for 45 minutes and you come in and hold them and feed them, you have now just taught your baby to cry for 45 minutes. 

She also recommended having a night time routine and a morning routine.  The routine does not need to be half an hour long, it only needs to be 5 minutes or less.  Whatever it is you do for bedtime routine, your baby will expect you to repeat it if he or she wakes up during the night (this is how parents get into that terrible cycle).  She actually doesn't recommend including the bath in the routine, for the simple fact that if you start the bath when you notice your baby is tired, by the time you have them dressed and put them in bed, they will most likely have entered the "over tired" stage.  Now you will have the cortisol issue to keep them up during the night.  Having a morning routine she suggested was important too.  Normal time for a baby to wake up at 4months is between 6-8am.  If its before that, try and put them back to sleep with the least amount of stimulation as possible (no talking, no lights).  Once its time to wake up (they start fussing) turn on all the lights, open the curtains and do a "Good Morning".  They will start to associate when its OK to be awake too.

One last remark about naps.  She suggests for babies 4-6 months of age should only be awake for 2.2 hours at a time, then put them down for a nap.

So 5 days and us moms should have our babies sleeping through the night...We'll see and I will let you know how it works out for me.  I also heard an expert say 1 week for potty training and I am going on 6 months with my toddler.  I wonder if there is a "Potty Training Doula?".....

Some of the products she recommended were:

Wombie blanket - Keep in mind, when your baby can roll onto their tummy, don't wrap the arms.

Baby Merlin's Magic Sleep Suit - Its a compression suit from what I understand and can give the baby that "snuggled" affect without swaddling

Book: Good Night/Sleep Tight

Sleep Sack

Sound Machine - for white noise

P.S.  There maybe stuff I missed or forgot, or didn't convey properly so when you read this blog take it as it  is (with a grain of salt) and I encourage you to do your own research.  I think like everything else, a variation of what the experts advise to suit your own unique baby, is going to be what works the best.  A little tweak here and there and hopefully you will have success...and me too!

So What Alicia Silverstone Feeds her Child like a Bird!

I was watching a show on TV last night and yet again another segment about Alicia Silverstone came up about her feeding her child like a bird (chewing up food and giving it to her baby with her mouth).  Alright, so my first reaction when I heard this story and saw the pictures was..."OK that's different".  Would I do it? No, that what my food processor is for.  Who knows what her reasons are but it certainly does not mean she is somehow abusing her child or harming him in anyway.   Anyone who has recently visited the Zoo or African lion Safari has seen Apes, Chimps or Orangutans do this for their young.  What do you think humans use to do before we had tools and lived in a cave?  It wasn't so long ago that people thought breastfeeding was taboo and actually discourage against it, in favour for formula feeding. 

The proper term for this is Premastication or "Kiss-feeding" and it actually goes on in many cultures.  There are a long list of advantages and disadvantages, much like anything else.  It is much more prevelent in non western societies than you think.  In one study that was performed in China, they found that 63% of Chinese university students received permastication food as infants.  The practice is used today in Latin America and countries in Africa such as Zimbabwe.  The main health concern being the transmission of HIV to the infant.

Whatever the reasons are, Alicia, or other moms in western society have for continuing this practice to present day, people need to get over it.  I'm sure its mostly non parents that found this story appalling.  I personally find stories such as these interesting, because its always informative to read how other mothers mother their children.  We have the Kangaroo moms who carry their babies everywhere, parents who practice "the family bed" and now we have the bird feeders, whatever works, who cares as long as they aren't putting the baby in any danger or depriving them in some way.

I'm glad I'm not a celebrity and having someone take my picture at every opportunity to show the world and judge me.  I blog and get to edit what I share and what I do not share.  I have a 3 year old who isn't potty trained yet and I'm pretty sure I'll be changing her diapers until she goes to university, she watches "Tree House" in the mornings (Gasp!) and I even allow the odd donut.  But the best one yet, when she was 1, I used a Winnie the Pooh leash when we walked near busy streets because she liked to run all over the place.  How many times have I heard "leashes are for dogs"...at least I had peace of mind, knowing she wouldn't dart out infront of a car.  She's my child and I will raise her how I see fit! Every mother is allowed the gumption to say exactly that!

Source

Pelto GH, Zhang Y, Habicht JP.
Division of Nutritional Sciences, Cornell University, Ithaca, NY 14853, USA. Gp32@cornell.edu. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20073131

3 years since becoming a mother...

My first daughter is turning 3 in a couple weeks and I am reflecting back on the amazing ride I have been on since it all started.  I remember what my life was like before she came into this world and I also remember my life the second she did.  It felt like someone picked me up by my ankles, turned me upside down and said "right, now try this out for a while."  I'd never even held a baby before Byllee, I was terrified of them.  Always scared I would break them somehow.  During my pregnancy, I figured that would all change since it would be my own baby.  It didn't.  I was scared of her when they handed her to me, and my husband had to teach me how to hold her.  During my stay in the hospital, my husband had to leave us for a few hours to go to the doctor, and the entire time he was gone I was holding my breath, praying she wouldn't wake up.  I was scared to dress her, change her diaper and most of all I was scared I would be unable to calm her down if she cried.

That fear slowly subsided over the first month as I gained confidence.  However with every new stage she entered the fear would come back.  I lacked confidence in myself that I would be able to handle the situation on my own.  I sadly spent a lot of that first year in fear, especially with the SIDS fear always hanging around in the background.

This time around with my second daughter, the fear hasn't been there.  I know what I am doing and I know I can handle it because I did before.  Sometimes it makes me sad how much time I wasted worrying instead of enjoying my first year as a mother, but its all ancient history now.  I am making up for it now anyway, and enjoying my second time around with my baby to the fullest.  The SIDs fear will always be there, but I do everything I can to reduce the risk and really just try and force it out of my mind.  Having two children that need me at the same time has been my newest challenge.  When I am on my own and trying to put one to bed and the other starts crying, I have really found myself in unfamiliar waters.  I found myself running back and forth like a mad woman to tend to each child.  Then slowly I rearranged my schedule so that Jorja was sleeping by the time I put Byllee to bed.  There are still times they need me all at once, especially in the morning.  Mornings are hard, because Jorja needs to be fed, Byllee wants a drink and breakfast and both my cats have gotten into the fight with wanting me too lol.  God forbid I need to use the bathroom or tend to my own needs, then all hell breaks loose and I have 2 crying kids and two cats meowing their heads off.  I've learn to do a sort of "kid triage system" same with house work.  If I feel like I'm living in a toilet or my house is starting to resemble a crack house as one of my friends described it, then I will start to triage that as well.  I'll figure it out, I did before and at least I now have confidence in myself this time.

Byllee has turned into such a well adjusted, smart, funny little girl, so I am clearly doing a good job.  I am so happy with my life as a mother, I feel as though this is what I was born to do.  I was a mother in my own way before they came, to my cats and its just grown from there.  Attitude is really the key to happiness.  Attitude of gratitude is probably the healthiest state of mind, and filling your life with love, whatever that may look like for others.  I look forward to all the surprises and challenges that lay ahead for me, because I know as long as I hold on to this attitude, I will turn out just fine and so will my kids.

Mothers Come in All Forms and Species!

I thought I would write a blog about mothers, in recognition of Mother's Day coming up.  I recently purchased a book that I have given to my mom early for Mothers Day.  Its called "Mothers Love - Inspiring True Stories from the Animal Kingdom"  an absolutely beautiful book filled with true stories of great mothers in the wild.  This got me thinking, what is the definition of a mother?  Is a duck that adopts an abandoned squirrel as her own any less of a mother then the one that gave birth?  Absolutely not!  In fact, I think it qualifies her more of a mother.  I think its easy to conclude that giving birth does not define being a mother.  I would like to share one particular story from the book that really touched me deeply:

 A marine mammal specialist came upon a baby dolphin who had become entangled in a nylon fishing net.  He watched with horror as the dolphins mother and two other females stopped at nothing to save him.  They tried everything they could to push that baby out - at risk of tangling up their own fins!  The marine specialist dove into the water himself to cut the net.  The mother then guided her weakened, gasping calf up to the waters surface and supported him so he could breath.  Exhausted by the ordeal, she, too struggled to float, and the other females supported both mother and child, helping them regain their strength.  For the next few hours, all three adults took turns keeping the baby afloat until finally, the entire extended family swam away (Bellows 64).

This story reminds me of my own mother and father.  During struggles in my life, they are there to help me breath, taking turns until I am back on my feet again.  Is there anything else in life to be more grateful for?  I have had others, in different times of my life, step in and do the same thing for me and my family and I will never forget the unselfish acts they extended me.

Mothers come is all forms and all should be celebrated equally.  Maybe its a mother of 4 dogs, or one who has adopted a baby and given that child a chance they may not have had otherwise.  Or a stay at home mom, who has five kids and barely keeping her head above the water most of the time.  One thing is always the same: the unconditional, all encompassing love we feel for our children.  I would like to think of myself as one of those female dolphins and if I were to see another mother and child in need, I too would stop and help them breath.  Mothers of all kinds should think of ourselves as a force, one that cannot be challenged and an army of love that will come to defend our children at all cost.

This mothers day, don't just celebrate your own mother, but yourself and ALL mothers, whatever kind they maybe, because we are the keystone of society that is raising the next generation.  That is no small feat and even the strongest ones need help breathing every now and then.

Favourite quotes:

"Sometimes the strength of motherhood is greater than natural laws" Barbara Kingsolver

"A Mothers love for her child is like nothing else in the world.  It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path" Agatha Christie

"A mother is not a person to lean on but a person to make leaning unnecessary" Dorothy Fisher

"A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child" Sophia Loren

Source

Bellows, Melina Gerosa.  Mothers Love - Inspiring True Stories from the Animal Kingdom. Washington, D.C. National Geographic Society. 2012

Link to book mentioned: http://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Love-Inspiring-Stories-Kingdom/dp/1426209223/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1336140275&sr=8-1

Serenity NOW!

     I wake up this morning early before the kids are awake and decide to make some fresh coffee and enjoy a little alone time before the chaos begins.  I love sitting on our screened in porch in the morning watching the sun rise, listen to the birds singing, trees swaying in the breeze and the beautiful smell of cedar and forest.  Except this morning as I sit down, take a deep breath and take it all in, I am struck by a horrible smell.   "What smells like Sh&t????"  I turn around and sure enough there's a big pile of turds in the corner.  Twinkle our cat, for some unknown reason, has decided to take a gigantic dump on our porch.  My special ME time has now been replaced by cleaning up poop!  Then cruelly followed by having to unclog our toilet from trying to flush it all down.  I swear that cat sh&ts as much as a toddler!! 

    

       How do some mothers make it look so easy?  You know, the one's you encounter at the park or Early Years Center, who have 4 kids, one in a sling breastfeeding, another on her hip and two in tow, wearing designer clothes and makeup all while making it look effortless?  What about the ones on my facebook account?  Every picture of their child has perfect hair, no stains on his or her shirt or food on their face?  I'll find myself sitting down for a moment to look at friends pictures, then looking over at the mirror and my hair is a mess, no makeup, puke on my over sized t-shirt from high school while my toddler runs around with peanut butter on her face.  I admit it, it's not easy, my husband is away 3 or 4 days a week for work and I am mostly on my own and I do struggle a lot some days.  I even post pictures of my daughter with a face full of peanut butter.  How else am I going to capture those beautiful moments that seem to happen when you least expect it?

     However, I do try not to judge others, and I hope not too many judge me.  Maybe that perfect mom from the park goes home everyday and drinks a bottle of wine, or yells at her kids whenever they aren't in public.  I'm the type of person who puts myself out there as real as I am sometimes, but even I fall victim to putting on makeup to go for a hike, knowing we will be posting the pictures.  I want to share my life with my family overseas and those that don't get to visit often because I am proud of my family.  Maybe some even look at my pictures and think I have my act together all the time.  If it wasn't for me verbally throwing up my feelings through my blogs, how else would anyone know?

    This blog seems to be all over the place today (not unlike my daily life) so I think I will stop there.   Stop yourself next time you feel like judging someone and think hard.  You have no idea what is going on behind closed doors and you yourself aren't perfect, no one is.  All us mothers out there are in this together, we should offer our support to one another not just our sometimes cruel opinion or judgement. 

The Most Natural Act...Yeah Right!

The first time I was introduced to breastfeeding was in my prenatal class prior to the birth of our first daughter Byllee. They showed us a video in the class, of a beautiful new born baby lying on her mothers chest, slowly descending down and instinctually latching on to her nipple. How beautiful, I thought and how natural is that? This should be a piece of cake I thought. I even prepared myself further, getting library books out on the topic, checking out Jack Newman's website and videos and also going to a few La Leache League meetings. I was confident I was ready for this responsibility.

With the image of the baby naturally latching on to her mother still in my head, I attempted my first time, minutes after birth and this is not what I experienced at all. God bless the mothers that do experience this, however from my experience and speaking to other mothers in the groups I've attended, the majority have a complete opposite experience in fact. The video they should have shown in my prenatal class was me with my second daughter screaming her head off as I forcefully tried to shove my boob into her mouth, all while crying myself...over and over and over again. This was reality! You would think after breastfeeding my first daughter for 11 months I should be some sort of an expert at it. Every baby is different and my second daughter was not nearly as "easy" to teach as my first. I found neither experience easy or natural in fact.

The first few days after my first daughter is really a complete blur, so I will talk about my second daughter, which was only 3 months ago and counting. I believe prenatal classes should have a complete segment on the first 48 hours after birth and breastfeeding (or however long it takes for your milk to come in). This has to be the most challenging time of all. Thankfully my second daughter, Jorja slept most of the first 24 hours. However once she "woke up" from birth, boy was she hungry and I felt I had nothing to offer her. The nurse that was coming off her shift that evening kept trying to offer me formula to fix the situation. If there is ever a wrong time to give formula, my guess would be this time. Unless there's a medical reason, the so called "nothing" you have to offer is probably the most important thing you could give the baby. Colostrum is full of antibodies, and nutrients that the baby needs at this critical time in his or her life. With this in mind, I politely declined her offer, however she left it on my bedside table and I just stared at it while my baby screamed for more. Once the my regular night nurse came on duty and it was 2am, I was at the end of my rope. I'll never forget how she came in after I rang the bell yet again for help with latching, and told me all the mothers she sees as patients look like me on night two. It's a necessary evil to endure, and she encouraged me not to give up. Simply pointing out that fact to me was enough to give me the strength to keep on going. Why didn't they mention this in birthing class I thought?

An unlikely form of support I found during the first few days and weeks breastfeeding was my husband. I suppose from watching me go through this with our first daughter and listening to all the advice with a more clear head then me, made him some kind of expert himself! The first time I noticed, was during a particularly hard time trying to trouble shoot with the nurse, why my daughter would not latch on to my "other side". My husband, Scott suddenly spoke up and said "why don't you try the football hold, that way her head is in the same position and it kind of tricks her into thinking its the same side". The nurse and I just stared at him in amazement...What a great idea! It worked wonderfully, and soon our on going joke was he should have become a lactation consultant. Finding humour in a time like this felt wonderful, so we kept going with the jokes and decided to play a joke on the new daytime nurse that never met us before. She walked into our room and asked if the lactation consultant had come in to see us. I replied "Oh, you mean the nice man that was just here?" Her face dropped and a look of horror came over her, we burst into laughter for quite a while over that one. I still chuckle when I think of a male lactation consultant. Unless your name is "Jack Newman", I don't think males would be too popular in the birthing unit at the hospital. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think I would feel strange having a male man handle my boobs like the female nurses do when they are trying to help you.

Anyway, I am 3 months into round two with my second daughter Jorja and we are still having the odd issue believe it or not. I pump my milk a lot more then I did the first time thanks to a close friend who gave me her high end breast pump! It makes all the difference, compared to using "El cheapo" version the first time, when I finally said "to hell with this". I have no problem introducing formula at this stage, however with my over supply in the freezer, I haven't found the need yet. Last time, I felt like I had something to prove as a mother and demanded myself to exclusively breastfeed her for 6 months without formula. Looking back it seems so silly, but there really is a pressure to prove yourself when you are a first time mom. It doesn't help when its 3am and you have a screaming baby you are trying to latch, enduring intense pain and the "Good Start" baby formula commercial comes on T.V. You know the one that says "Happy babies makes happy moms"? The commercial shows babies giggling and laughing. That can really play on your mind when you are sleep deprived and you have a screaming baby. I know it did for me.

I suppose my message and point of this blog is only to encourage mothers what they are going through at the beginning is normal. Its suppose to be hell, and it's usually hell for all of us. Remember, colostrum is not something you can find in a bottle so if you can only hold out for 2 days and give that to your baby, you've done your job. Even if you can't, that doesn't make you any less of a mother, there are a thousand different scenario's and medical conditions that prevent mothers from breastfeeding. The point is, there's a thousand and one different right ways to do the same job and its up to you to find the one that works for you!

So what's your plan?

One simple answer from me when I am asked this is: survival! That’s my “plan”. I am on my second baby this time and things for me have been a lot different than the first time around. I’ve read all the books: What to Expect the first year, Baby whisperer and listened to every single piece of advice from other mothers I can get. One piece of information I was told the first time around, which was very important, didn’t seem to register until my second child. For me, it’s been my guide for how I have made my game plan this time, if you could call it that. I was told, when the baby comes everything in your life changes. Now, when I heard this the first time, I thought, “yeah I know that...and??” Then the baby came, which I had been preparing for, for 9 months so no shocker there, however as soon as that first cry was made, NOTHING in my life was the same. Every aspect of my life and the way I viewed it was different in a matter of seconds. Wow, that’s a lot to handle in one day!

Not only is the new reality of your life hitting you in one moment, you get to enjoy it while you go through the monumental hormone crash of your life the first 10 days after birth. How lovely! I remember sitting in the hospital bed looking at my beautiful baby girl, who was a stranger to me really, and realizing the awesome responsibility I suddenly had. Trying to survive the first few weeks on sleep deprivation while learning to breast feed with your baby and enduring tremendous pain that goes along with it, makes any new mom what to curl into a ball and cry (thanks hormones for the extra kick in the ass when I needed it least). What happened to my wonderful relationship I was enjoying with my husband during pregnancy? Nothing pops the “babymoon balloon” phase quicker, then fighting over who is doing more or who changed the last diaper. Books and birthing classes don’t really warn you about this challenge that most couples encounter, and sadly some split up after the first year of having a baby.

So again, I think to myself, so what’s my plan? This time around I have found it to be a lot easier then the first. Here are some things I am doing differently:

• Taking much better care of myself! Feeding and drinking water as much as possible to keep my energy going.

• Buy a Miracle Blanket and swadle my baby at night http://www.amazon.com/gp/search/ref=as_li_qf_sp_sr_il_tl?ie=UTF8&keywords=miracle%20blanket&tag=eveididtexpwh-

• Purchase a quality brest pump http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004HWXCJS/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=eveididtexpwh-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=B004HWXCJS

• Purchase an Angel Care monitor to ease your mind about SIDS and help you sleep through the night http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B002ZB8298/ref=as_li_qf_sp_asin_il_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=eveididtexpwh-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=B002ZB8298 
•  Getting all the support I can from family to get a break here and there to sleep during the day as I now have a toddler so this wouldn’t be possible otherwise.

• Forget my old life, wipe the slate completely clean and make it up as I go. For now, my life is about feeding and caring for my children and of course myself. It isn’t very exciting, but it’s all I can manage without overdoing it and I know in time, it will get better. 
•  Taking shifts with my spouse. Instead of trying to do everything together, we take turns and let the other spouse sleep. I don’t get to see him and spend as much time together, however because of this change we aren’t both tired at the same time, which means no fighting and are more useful to each other then last time around. This has made us one happy couple 

We are almost at our 6 week milestone and I am so proud of how well we have done. It hasn’t been easier then the first time, but it is going smoother and we are all happier. I’ve had some dark days at the beginning (sleep deprivation is true torture, no matter who you are), but I keep telling myself on those days....”I can do this, I can do this, I can do this.....and it will get better because I have done this before and actually know it’s true.

I will leave my blog at that for today and re-evaluate my survival plan for the next 3 months in another blog as I will have a whole new set of challenges and stages to navigate....but it’s OK, because I CAN DO THIS!

Happiness....the search continues or has it been there all along?

In my quest to understand and appreciate my new role and life, I have come across a common human mistake. Happiness is a quest that will never be achieved by certain people. We take for granted what has been given to us and we come to expect it. The more you have, the more you want.

Wonderful events happen to people everyday, unfortunately once the novelty wears off we are looking for something more. What happened to the gift we were just given? The worst mistake someone can make in my opinion, is to forget what we have. Perhaps some don't realise how bad it can get or how it can all be taken away in the blink of an eye. We assume it will always be there or never fully appreciate what we have been given. Why do some people have to learn the hard way, that your world can come crashing down around you without warning? I'm not suggesting you live in fear, or become a pessimist, but perhaps be grateful everyday for what you have today and never forget how precious it is., for tomorrow may never come or it may not be around forever.

Family is the most important thing in my life. I feel very confident that I have my priorities in the right order. I make sure that everyday i take time to be grateful for what I have. I promise to myself to never "get use to" this new reality as something i come to expect. Everyday is a gift in this new life and I will never forget that. Sadly some people will never appreciate it to its full extent, until the scale tips terribly in the wrong direction....

Monkey See, Monkey Do

The age old question...Nature vs. Nurture. Every day I am reminded of my awesome responsibility of taking care of this new life. I have the power to shape this person into the best she can be. Everything I do, every decision I make and all the things I expose her too have an incredible influence. What if I make a mistake? Have a ruined her for life? How much does nurture really impact my daughter and when does nature take over?

These simple scenarios had me questioning everything I was doing at first. As soon as I became a mom, I suddenly noticed that I had beliefs about how my daughter should be raised. I had strong opinions! Where did that come from? My childhood? Am I raising my daughter the way my parents raised me? If so, who says they did it right! I think when we start out, sometimes we find ourselves doing what our parents did to us. I know I have caught myself singing some of the same songs that were sung to me.

When i was 20 weeks pregnant the ultrasound technician told us we were having a boy! I already had the whole nursery decorated with huge princesses on the wall and everything pink. I was stuck thinking, if i leave the princess on the wall for my son, does that mean it will damage him? Why can’t we encourage boys to play with dolls or allow them to like the color pink? What would happen if we do? In the end i decided to leave the princesses on the wall and just throw in a lot of blue blankets. Of course as life would have it, we were blessed with a little girl after all. I had all boy clothes for my baby and now the tables were reversed! This got me thinking. What impact do we have as parents on our children when we buy trucks and cars for boys and dolls for girls. Would our society be different if we didn’t? Do our children grow up thinking these stereotypes because of us? I constantly hear parents say “boys will be boys” when their son acts aggressive and telling their daughter to “be nice” when she does the same thing. What type of impact does that have? Perhaps next time we catch ourselves making one of these decisions, we should ponder why or better yet, why not?

The White Crayon

The title for this blog and my signature is a simple term that I have used to describe how I've felt most of my life until now. Its the crayon in the box that is the least selected. It has a purpose, its always there, its just as usefull as the others but almost always ignored.

They day I became pregnant I knew my life was changing forever. Never again was the world going to look quite the same and never again were my needs or wants going to come first. It signaled to me a time to start dealing with some issues that purhaps I have avoided my whole adult life. How can I bring an innocent life into this world, if I havent dealt with some of my baggage from the past?. Pregnancy for me was the time to get out the ugly shovel and start piling up the shit right in front of my face. No longer can I hide from it. No longer can I pretend it doesnt exsist. The time to start new was NOW.

I can assure you, mixed with the hormonal rollarcoaster that pregnancy brings and dreadging up old crap from the past was no picnic for me or my husband; Or anyone anywhere near me for the next 9 months. This was a time to make amends, talk about things, reflect on behaviour and finally move on. I wanted to wrap it all up, put a pretty little bow on it and store it away just in time for the birth of my baby.

Like all things in life, it didnt exactly work out that way. While I did most of my healing and moved on, sadly some of the people involved never did. For anyone who has ever gone through a truely life changing and self reflection expierence, you quickly realise most people around you arent nearly as eager to admit fault or change destructive negative behaviour. I had to realise, I can only control myself, and I can only change myself. If others in my life wanted to continue down the path I clearly have choosen to avoid, then they will have to go on with out me.

This has been the single hardest thing to do, but it must be done if you want to truely change your path. Dont let others try and steer you off course, stick to your goal and set the rules. Some people stay and some people go, that is their choice not yours.

My whole life I have always been super sensitive to others' feelings, admitting when I have done wrong, viewed the situation from different points of views and carried an incredible amount of guilt for a whole lot of issues that I am not responsible for. Its been termediously exhausting and was taking up way to much of ME and holding ME back. Once I realised that this is clearly been the single most destructive quality I have, I had the power to stop it. Its amazing how those around you that are use to using you as the one to kick, aren't nearly as excited about this "new you". Its so much nicier when you can stub your toe, turn around and kick someone else, blame all your problems on them for all that goes wrong in your life. This is the role I have been use to playing and I am no longer playing that game! Its time for them to start taking responsibilty for themselves and their own actions. Sadly this leaves me without them in my life going forward; however I'm OK with that. My life is no longer about them anymore, its about starting something new and healthy and completely different then I have ever lived before. A life truely happy and with peace....

The first 6 weeks as a mom

I’ve survived what I feel should be called a “mothers milestone”, the first 6 weeks. It could also be called the sleep deprivation stage although I haven’t experience teething quite yet. I remember back in my last weeks of pregnancy people telling me “get all the sleep you can, you are gonna need it” usually followed by an annoying laugh. I’m not sure how other pregnant woman felt at the end, but between the constant hip pain and peeing every 15 minutes I wasn’t exactly getting quality sleep then either. At 41 plus weeks I was ready to deck the next person that would say that to me.

The sleep deprivation I experienced in the first 5 weeks of my daughter’s life was no laughing matter at all. It starts when you go into labour which in my case was 4 pm. I had been awake all day when “the time” finally came and it lasted until 6pm when my baby was born. I thought “wow I did it!” 26 hours of labour and survived. Little did I know that was just the warm up :-S After my body had gone through that traumatic event of giving birth all I wanted to do was sleep, however now I had this little baby that I had to start taking care of. Immediately you have to start feeding your baby every 2 hours.

I decided to breastfeed and no amount of prep can teach you how, until you actually try it. I had to learn and the baby had to learn, one feeding would sometimes take an hour, then I had to burp her and settle her, and change her diaper. By the time I was done 2 hours had gone by and I had to feed again and restart the process. When do I sleep??? OMG what have I gotten myself into??? For something so natural, breastfeeding is incredibly difficult i found. Learning to get her latched on properly, dealing with the initial pain of breastfeeding and of course sleep deprivation! No wonder only 17% of mothers make it to six months breastfeeding.

Scott was incredibly supportive that first week doing all the night shifts and allowing me to sleep and feed only. I was actually feeling pretty good. Once he went back to work and the world started to go back to normal, the reality of the workload started to affect me. My body was still healing and breastfeeding alone drains you so fast and of course sleep deprivation. I started to pump my milk and allow Scott to give her the odd bottle, but I was leery doing this as they don’t recommend it until at least 6 weeks to avoid nipple confusion. This was never in my “plan” either but like many rules you make before the baby comes this too went out the window. You do what works and what you need to, to survive!! I also said I would never give my child a soother, but after hours of crying and fussing, Scott tried one and she went right off to sleep....another rule bites the dust. How about “only sleeping in the bassinet”, I look lovely over at my daughter right now fast asleep in her spare car seat. Yep, that’s right folks, she sleeps in her car seat, the bassinet lasted only a week.

One of the hardest times has been week 4 and 5. We heard that colic likes to show its ugly head around this time and we were holding our breath, but like text book Byllee started fussing between 6pm until 3am some nights. We really had resigned ourselves to having a colicky baby. It doesn’t help that all those weeks of 3 hour cat naps starts to really catch up on you. I also got tonsillitis that week as well and was a crying, bubbling mess. Its hard enough doing this when you are “just exhausted”!

I started googling and turning to different websites to look for a possible solution. My mother suggested i cut back on caffeine...WHAT? Cut out coffee? Are you insane? I’m so sleep deprived and now I am suppose to cut out coffee too? I had to think long and hard about this one, and decided to go back to only 2 cups a day from the 4 cups I was drinking now. She actually started to slowly reduce fussy time almost immediately and thats when the “secret” formula occurred to me: Exhausted mom + Fussy baby + coffee = fussier baby and more alert mom. Alert mom and fussier baby MINUS coffee = less fussier baby and exhausted mom. Less fussier and happy baby = more rest which = less exhausted mom. Therefore coffee no longer needed.....who would have thought that was possible?

We are coming up now on Byllee’s 2 month birthday, and I can’t believe how time flies. One thing I hope to get a handle on is finding more time for me. It’s becoming a common sight for me to show up to my friends and families houses covered in puke with no makeup, wearing some ratty shirt I haven’t worn since high school since I don’t have enough clothes to last me till next laundry time. However, my baby girl is growing fast and is all smiles these days, so in the end, I guess I am doing something right and that’s all that matters :)

My Birth Story

My Birth Story

Baby: Byllee Lynne

When: Thursday May 21 2009 at 1754

Weight: 7lbs 8oz

I will start off by saying that at my 20 week ultrasound we were told we were having a Boy.

On Wednesday May 20th around 4pm I felt what was later identified as finally a “real” contraction. I was lying on my lounger in my backyard reading my “Lats and Atts” magazine (sailing mag) and enjoying the beautiful afternoon. I had experienced so many so called “false” labour contractions that I didn’t get too excited. By 7pm they were still coming and between 16-26 minutes apart. They started off at around a 4 out of 10 on the pain scale even from 4pm. Scott and I decided that this may be it so we might as well go for a walk to help things along. We drove to our nearest park and walked along the grounds stopping every 20 minutes while I put my arms around his shoulders and leaned off him to breath through them, it was around 6 out of 10 on the pain scale at this point.

Once we returned home I decided I had a few more things I could clean (lol) and did my MAKEUP! (gotta look good for those birth pictures, right ladies??!! LOL ) I used my birthing ball, took a couple baths and walked around. I was only feeling my contractions at the bottom of my uterus in the front and in my back, with very intense pressure. When my pain developed into a 7 out of 10 things start to get fuzzy. I decided to call the hospital and let them know I was 11 minutes apart and would be coming in soon. The nurse on the phone said “oh honey, you have a LONG way to go”…… gee just what every woman wants to hear when shes in intense pain. Scott and I decided to walk around the block a few times stopping now every 6 minutes and I was no longer in what they call the “smiley face phase”.

So off to the hospital we go….0230amBy the time we arrived at the hospital my makeup was all over my face and running down my neck, my hair was pulled out of the ponytail and I was in 9 out of 10 pain….oh did I mention it was only a 5 minute drive? I told Scott to park across the street at the free parking lot for the pharmacy so we could save 7 bucks and I would walk across the road. That sounded like a good idea for all of 2 minutes when the next contraction started “oh F^&*$ &^%&^%&^% DRIVE INTO EMERG!!” What was I thinking??lol

We came crashing through the door in the typical movie scene with me in the wheelchair except I wasn’t looking like any movie star I tell ya! They took me into a room hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor and the contraction monitor and off I went every 5 minutes. I’m not sure when the pain moved into the 10 out of 10 range but it was somewhere around here. I was like a caged animal, everytime they came, I would role onto my hands and knees or crawl off the bed onto the floor (?) hang off scott a few times. I was clawing at the bedsheets, biting the mattress, pillow, once Scott (!) by accident. Tried to rip the bed sheet….yes it wasn’t pretty and not my finest hour (or as it turned out HOURS). The nurses were quite confused by my behaviour and trying to simply take in …What just walked in the door here?? During one of these contractions the nurse ran over and felt the top of my uterus and said “stop stop Wendy, its not even a contraction”………..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (the worst nightmare ever) Of course I couldn’t “stop” and after it finished I said in a horrible nasty tone “Are you saying what I am feeling is not REAL pain???” she was confused and they all left the room, apparently my contractions weren’t even registering on the monitor either!

Meltdown Number 1:

As I clung to Scott from the floor (unsure how I ended up here) I was bawling and terrified they were going to send me home thinking it is only “ligament pain” as I heard them say. 10 out of 10 pain people!! Next I remember she said she talked to the doctor and shot morphine in my side. The monitors weren’t on me anymore as I was too wild for them to stay on, and according to them, there wasn’t anything to monitor anyway. They apparently timed my contractions from the nurses station across the hall by my screams (4 minutes apart). Unfortunately, all the morphine did was make me soo looped I had to keep my eyes closed. My pain never even dulled a little. My labour stayed like this for the rest of the time, it never changed in intensity as there was no where to go and only got closer together. Somehow I ended up in the largest labour room at the end of the hall as I was making too much noise and probably scaring everyone. It was 730 by the time I remember the nurse telling me the anastegeologist was coming in and it should be another half hour. Mentally that is what I set the goal for, just one more half hour. I should mention I never wanted to have a natural birth, I always planned on taking meds and having an epidural, I did not want to be some super hero strong woman! This was going on 15 hours now.

After an hour (!) the new nurse walks in and says the anastegeologst hasn’t even been called and doesn’t know when he’ll be here.

Meltdown #2

Not that I was being quiet by any means, but I decided that if I was going through another hour of this then I was letting it all out. I screamed and moaned like I have never done in my life. I couldn’t understand how any human could possibly watch someone else in this much pain, and NOT help them. I was begging on the floor for help to Scott. This was actually extremely traumatizing for me. The doctor finally arrived and started the process of the epidural at 930am. I remember how it looked like the heavens opened up, and the angels were singing when he stepped through the door, I was SAVED. I found some super human strength (like when a lady lifts a car off her child) for only one contraction to not move as I did NOT want to mess this up!!!!!!!!!!! The relief was almost immediate and I have never been so relieved. My contractions stopped of course after this, but I honestly could care less at this point, I was no longer feeling like my hips were breaking apart every 4 minutes.

They broke my water after this and I had a relaxing afternoon sleeping and listening to ocean waves on my IPOD until 4pm. The doctor decided to check me, and I knew something was up as I started to feel a strange feeling with some pressure. She said “oh look the babys head is right there ready to come out” ! For some reason I wasn’t prepared for this and got a little scared. The nurse asked me if I wanted to start pushing or let my body do the work for a little longer. I was happy to wait, this pressure wasn’t nearly as bad as what I had before. When pushing finally started I realized how difficult it actually was. I’ll spare the details and say after an hour and a half, out came the baby. I heard the doctor say “look what it is!!” somewhere in there I heard someone say “girl” WHAT???????? I looked at my husband and said “ It’s a girl????????? We have a daughter???????????” OMG we don’t even have a name!! There we were wearing matching bracelets with our “son’s” name on it LOL. What a complete shock!!!!!!! They took our baby girl over to get weighed as we slinked off our bracelets hehe. She was perfect, pink, 7lbs 8oz and the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. While the first 17 hours of labour was WAY worse then I EVER imagined, the birth and expierence was beautiful and positive in my memories now.Becoming a mother has been the best expierence of my life and I would do it all over again for her, even without the epidural!